Some Typical Smooth Relations Client Scenarios…

In addition to premarital counseling with the engaged couple, Smooth Relations works with such common scenarios as divorced parents, dealing with stepparents, religious issues, difficult mothers or mothers–in–law (or fathers) and general stress in planning big events. The following vignettes (in which the names have been changed to protect confidentiality) illustrate some typical scenarios.

Couples Counseling

Kate and Brian were planning to be married by Brian’s uncle who was a minister.
He recommended that the couple get premarital counseling by someone who was not in the family. Kate and Brian came to two premarital sessions about a month before their wedding. They had been living together for almost a year and felt they knew each other well. The interview and questionnaire corroborated this, revealing many commonalities as well as a few areas for further attention. They both knew there was some tension between Brian and Kate’s mother, but had retreated from addressing this and were relieved that the counseling offered some constructive suggestions. There were also some differences about when they might be planning to have children and this was discussed as well. Both Kate and Brian found the sessions very useful and Brian noted that it would have been helpful to have them earlier in the wedding planning process.

Lauren and Mitch had a primarily long–distance relationship and would be married in Lauren’s home town on the East coast where she was living until the move to Cincinnati after the wedding.
They decided to do their premarital counseling during one of Lauren’s visits. Although the couple was clearly happy to be together, it was also apparent that the stresses of the long–distance relationship and wedding planning were taking a toll. The counseling sessions revealed some tensions that were beginning to surface and were helpful in pointing out and repairing some breakdowns in communication. Mitch was especially relieved that this could occur so productively as he had begun to dread the long conversations that had only furthered their frustration. Lauren learned in a very short time that there were better ways to help Mitch understand what she needed from him. They were able to look forward to the wedding and marriage much more optimistically and later reported that the counseling had been very helpful.

Family Pre–Wedding Counseling

Emily wanted to maintain a good relationship with her future mother–in–law, but found her frustrations mounting as the wedding plans progressed.
Her in–laws had offered to pay for some of the expenses which was a great help to her parents, but her fiancé’s mother became increasingly intrusive and demanding. She imposed her opinions about everything from the location of the reception to the types of flowers and photographs; she seemed to be crowding out Emily’s mother’s role in helping with the plans. Emily expected her fiancé, Todd, to do something about his mother, but he was not comfortable standing up to her. Emily and Todd became argumentative with one another and Emily found herself in tears more than once. A consultation session with Emily, Todd and both mothers was able to return the focus to the importance of the relationships and allow Todd’s mother to step back and recognize how important some of these decisions were to Emily and her mother. Not only did this decrease tensions during the remainder of the wedding planning, but it set a much more positive direction for the relationship between Emily and her mother–in–law.

Michael, who is Jewish, and Caitlin, who is Presbyterian, did not feel that their religious differences caused a problem in their dating relationship, nor would it cause undue stress in their marriage.
They appreciated the cultural differences, knew each other’s families and felt they held similar life values. They were surprised at how rapidly the tensions rose as they began to plan their wedding. To Caitlin’s family, it was important that she be married in the family church. Michael’s mother was appalled and stated that several of their relatives would refuse to attend a wedding in a church. There were also some difficulties with the clergy being inflexible in their requirements for performing the ceremony. Michael was able to convince his mother to attend two consultation sessions, one with him and another that included himself and Caitlin. His mother felt listened to about how uncomfortable she was feeling and how foreign all of this felt, based on her background. Michael and Caitlin were better able to be sensitive, rather than angry, toward her, and they worked to come up with a more accommodating solution. When she heard how important it was to her son, Michael’s mother was able to be more accepting of the plans and more open to looking for other compromises in the wedding celebration.

Bridget became engaged while her parents were separated.
She hoped they would reconcile but it became increasingly clear that this was not going to happen. Her father wanted to give his daughter the wedding she dreamed of, and was willing to commit what funds he had, but was very angry that Bridget’s mother was not contributing more. Furthermore, he had significant ongoing anger about his marital issues which kept interfering in the planning of Bridget’s wedding. It reached a crisis point when he made threats that he would throw out the mother’s boyfriend if he came to the wedding and several times said that he did not even want Bridget’s mother in attendance. Consultation sessions involved Bridget and her father, who initially came across as hostile and unreasonable. Gradually, he became able to separate his own hurt and anger from the issue of Bridget’s wedding and how important it was for her to share her day with both of her parents. He developed strategies to manage his anger and focus on his daughter. He made a phone call to Leigh after the wedding in which he happily reported that the wedding went beautifully and that he enjoyed seeing his daughter so happy.

When Sara became engaged, she was so excited and eager to start planning her wedding with her mother.
She knew that her parents were accomplished hosts and would help her to arrange a lavish and elegant affair. She became suddenly aware, however, when they began talking about the number of guests and location for the reception that her parents were considering her wedding to be in part a function to entertain her father’s business clients and that she would not even know many of the guests. Not only that, but her mother had very definite thoughts about the “right way” to do things and easily dismissed Sara’s ideas. Sara became increasingly despondent as the plans were taken away from her and her fiancé and she began to resent her parents for “hijacking” her wedding. She seriously considered calling it off and getting married in a small private ceremony, but hated the thought of giving up her dream wedding. As all of this happened fairly early in the planning process, a consultation session with Sara and her parents helped to re–focus the wedding on Sara and her fiancé and allow her parents to listen more carefully to her desires. Sara was then also able to recognize that her parents had certain social obligations and to be accepting that she could not have complete control over the guest list. Although there were some bumps as the planning continued, both Sara and her parents were able to listen to one another more peacefully and productively.